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After I came home from the hospital, my mother and father took turns sitting on my bed every night to make sure I was still breathing. My mother would rest her head on my chest and say a prayer. My father would whisper, I love you, and touch my cheek.

I noticed it all. They thought I was asleep as they did this, but I was awake, unable to sleep. I hadnt been able to sleep well for months but didnt want to take drugs to help with that because I enjoy staying awake in the darkness, my mind running wild, even if my mother tells me not to think so much.

This was nearly two years ago, when I was 17, in Cotonou, Benin, West Africa, where I grew up and was in my second year in the university. I had been visiting my parents and decided to help them with chores. While sweeping the house and listening to a song, I collapsed. I was standing and then I was on the floor.

As I lay there semiconscious, my heart heavy my father frantically typed into Google what to do when someone collapses and isnt breathing well, and then revived me by doing chest compressions.

The next day, he took me to a cardiovascular center nearby, where I sat in front of the doctor, my hands folded, heart ramming against my chest, as she brought out a few pieces of equipment and then led me to a bed.

Waiting for the results, I bit my fingernails, tapped my feet, bobbed my head. When my doctor looked up from her laptop and tried to smile, I could see pity in her eyes. She said Id had a mild heart attack and told me I had coronary heart disease the arteries supplying blood to my heart were blocked by fatty substances.

How could that be? I was a teenager.

My doctor has said its hereditary: My mother has high blood pressure, and my grandfather also had heart issues. Throw in the irregular heartbeat I have, and this is how I ended up with my condition.

I would have to leave school and move back in with my parents, which was not easy moving never is, and I was not supposed to exert myself. But it had to be done. My father was traveling more, which meant that I would now spend more time with my mother. It wasnt ideal, but it was better for my health.

I come from a family of three, just my parents and me, but throughout my childhood our house was always filled with extended family, which I enjoyed because, as an only child, I needed people around me. Living with my mother now would mean seeing my cousins and grandmother regularly. And with that came a lot of talk about my love life.

One night, one of my older cousins tapped me and said, When do you plan on getting a girlfriend? Or are you gay?

I could feel all eyes on me.

Then another cousin said, You know, you are sick and an only child; what if something happens to you tomorrow?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I knew what they were implying. Being an only child meant I was the one to continue my fathers lineage, and they were beginning to wonder why I had no girlfriend.

Their questions continued for a few more weeks until Id had enough of it and decided to come out of the closet.

When I was 14, I promised myself I would never come out to the family. I was going to keep my being gay a secret until death because homophobia was rife around me and there were even legal risks. But I was now spending more time with my mother, and the words my cousins kept throwing around made the decision to come out easier.

I never told people how my mother reacted the first time she saw porn on my phone. I was 13 and confused about my sexuality when a Google search led me to a porn site. I drifted off while watching it, and the following day, I saw that my mother had my phone.

There was a knowing look in her eyes, but she didnt say anything. It happened twice after that; still, she didnt say anything. Maybe that is what gave me the courage to come out to her. Perhaps thats why a part of me knew that she wasnt going to react as the average parent in my country might.

Mom, Im gay, I said last August as she was sitting on her bed. When she didnt say anything, I swallowed hard and repeated myself.

After a few seconds, she took my hand, smiled, and said, I have always known and will continue to love you. There was worry in her eyes, but she wrapped me in her arms and began to cry, making me cry too.

The first time I had a full-blown heart attack, five months later, I was back in school. We were learning how data worked when I excused myself to use the toilet. I have tried to read how heart attacks work to be able to describe it, but I cant. It just happens. You think everything is going well, and the next thing you know, youre on the floor, your legs outstretched, your heart pounding.

Heart attacks are vicious; Ive had approximately five one full-blown and the rest mild. Each one, no matter how mild, leaves you scared and wondering when the next one might happen.

After the diagnosis, I started exercising and reducing my intake of fatty foods. I also take a medication whenever I have respiratory problems which is all the time.

But I have gotten used to the idea of having mild heart attacks at any time of day. Sometimes its terrible; other times, it isnt. Sometimes I just want to give up because the thought of living like this forever scares me.

And there are times I wonder if this is a punishment for deviating from the Christian life I knew growing up, for all the times I scrolled through naked pictures of men while sitting at the back of the church, or for reading erotica during Sunday school.

But my mother always assures me that all will be well and nothing happening to me is a punishment.

I dont want to die. Im scared, I told her a few months ago.

She smiled and held my hands like she always does. She didnt say anything, but her eyes said enough. After my first heart attack, she took time off work and spent a few weeks with me. She would sit on the couch facing me with a smile, asking if I was OK.

You know you dont have to, Id tell her.

Shed laugh and say, I am your mother. Let me be the one to worry about you.

Though my condition isnt yet considered life-threatening, sometimes I wonder about how my mother will cope if I have a heart attack and dont survive. How devastated she will be if her only child is gone. But when I look at her and hear her say a prayer, I tell myself everything will be all right.

I see that none of your boyfriends have visited you, she jokingly said to me one morning last June, after another mild heart attack.

I rolled my eyes at her, and she laughed. Im single, Mom, I said, and she rolled her eyes at me.

The thing about heart attacks is they leave you on edge, wondering what the next one will be like. Will it be mild? Will I be eating or watching a show when it happens? What if no one is around to notice that Im slipping away?

There was a point where I avoided all books and movies with characters who had heart issues. I also muted terms like heart attack, heart failure and cardiovascular on social media because I couldnt stop worrying.

It made me irritated at the people around me. It made me angry when my mother massaged my chest. I have told my mother to adopt a child because this fear never seems to leave my mind. I ask her to go and leave me, but she never agrees.

What if Im not here anymore? I say, and she replies, One thing I know is that my son cant die before me, and I am not dying anytime soon.

I still get scared sometimes, but knowing that my mother will always be by my side keeps me going. When the pain, anger and frustration build up, I close my eyes and say quietly, Keep going for Mom. Works every time.

You are the best, I told her recently as she sat on my bed after my father did his nightly routine of whispering, I love you, to me.

Its been almost two years since my diagnosis, but my parents havent stopped coming to my bed every night.

Thank you for taking care of me, I said. The room was dark, but I could see her smile.

Thats why I am your mother. She kissed my forehead before leaving the room.

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When My Heart Broke, My Father Used Google to Save Me - The New York Times

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Once youve found your audienceafter youve answered why you do what you do along with the what, who, and howyoull need to figure out where these people spend their time.To build a business, you need to focus on building community with like-minded folks who you helpand who help you build your business.

Find out what platform they frequent, then build content that serves these folks. Maybe your dominant platform is Instagram. In that case, youll want to create videos, pictorials, or other supportive content.Or perhaps your followers prefer you to deep-dive into content, so you regularly post articles on Medium.

Find that dominant platform and make it yours. Show up regularly. Spend time there interacting, really get to know your followers, and post consistently.Before long, youll build a community who remains loyal to your brand as it evolves, just as you remain loyal to providing them valuable information.

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The Secret To Succeeding As A Health Entrepreneur, From A Celeb Wellness Expert - mindbodygreen.com

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Singer/songwriters Avi Kaplan and Joy Williams speak to Atwood Magazine about collaborating on their new song All Is Well, the power of music, and how departure is really expansion.follow our Todays Song(s) playlist

Sometimes a song follows you around. When youre cooking and suddenly the words start coming through in whispers or when youre out and all you can hear is the opening chords amongst the noise of the cars, you know youve stumbled onto something magical.

All Is Well was released on 15th February and is the second single from Avi Kaplans upcoming album Floating On A Dream (May 20th, 2022 via Fantasy Records). The song is a collaboration with the Grammy Award Winning singer-songwriter Joy Williams.

All Is Well is exquisitely beautiful. The harmonies Kaplan and Williams create together are heavenly and the whole song feels like a dreamy mantra. A place to retreat, rebuild and renew yourself.

Kaplan and Williams spoke to Atwood Magazine about collaborating on All Is Well, the power of music, and how departure is really expansion.

Atwood Magazine: I wanted to primarily talk about the song All Is Well that you co-wrote together, dig deep into the songwriting process but also talk about your album Floating On a Dream. Did you two know each other before you went into write together?

Avi Kaplan: I didnt know Joy [Williams] well, but I had met her in passing at an industry party that was happening, I think it was after some award show. I was a really big fan of hers and I was introduced to her, and she was so kind and so sweet and just a really great human and so I knew her a little bit from there. Then we got connected to write together and had got to know her much better since then.

Joy Williams: Avi and I had met at music events over the years Grammy parties, backstage at showsbut the first time I feel like I trulymetAvi was the day we wrote for the very first time.

We met up at my producer friends studio in Nashville, and Ill never forget Avis dark beard and warm baritone voice resonating in the room. Avi brings such a gentle gravity to any room hes in, and we talked everything from our mutual love of harmonizing to both of us growing up in CA. It was like Id stumbled upon a long-lost buddy, who also just happened to have a guitar on hand.

Avi, what would you say what is your usual writing process? Do you usually write alone or do you tend to write more with others?

Avi Kaplan: I do both. Nashville is very much a writing city, and I wasnt used to that but since moving out here, I really wanted to just try to stretch my boundaries and start writing with other people because it is so much part of the culture here. I would say with this album, its more writing with other people. There are some songs that I wrote by myself which I then brought to a friend to smooth out a little bit, but this this album was very collaborative, and I think in the future Ill continue do both because I really enjoy doing both.

Writing with others obviously changes the output of your art but does it feel less personal when it's written that way, or do you tend to only write with people that you feel you have a connection with?

Avi Kaplan: Yeah exactly. I write with a lot of people, and I write a lot of songs and the ones that dont feel personal I dont use, I dont release. Ive started to kind of refine who Ive been writing with so really any song that I write, it has to feel like its coming from me or else I dont feel right about releasing it. It really, really has to feel like me and I think that when you write with other people it helps with creating maybe a vibe that that you wouldnt necessarily create on your own but still has the essence, the lyricism that I have, my melodic tendencies but maybe it is just a different feel, different chords, different instrumentation, maybe a different perspective, so its all is all based around feeling like a song that is very personal to me.

Do you notice a departure in your writing from previous projects to this one? Like you said, you moved to Nashville and you started doing more co-writing than maybe you had previously.

Avi Kaplan: I think its always expanding. I think that if you listen to my old stuff and you listen to this stuff, you will hear a through line for sure, but I think its always expanding. I think writing with other people has helped me expand into new areas, new realms that I love to write in.

I feel like Ive tried to write all my stuff in a pretty eclectic way and do a lot of different things, so that it doesnt feel like when I do go in different directions it doesnt necessarily feel like its huge departure. When you listen to Floating On A Dream it all feels like the same record but it goes to a lot of different realms.

Fans and critics get quite precious about an artist and their artistry when they feel like an album or a song is a massive departure from an artists previous work, when in fact it's, as you say, maybe more of an expansion. Have you found this when releasing new music?

Avi Kaplan: Exactly, and thats why Ive intentionally tried to have everything be pretty in eclectic so Im not totally fenced into one sound because I love to make a lot of different sounds. I love to sing in a lot of different types of ways. I love to write music and compose in many different genres and all of those things, so I always want to be able to be able to stretch out musically because I love to do so many different styles. Its also a fun challenge to try to have there be a through line in all the different types of things that I like to do. I always want there be extent expansion and growth.

When you wrote All Is Well together did either of you go to the writing session with voice notes or lyrics or music or did it just happen very organically from the conversation?

Avi Kaplan: It definitely happened organically. Honestly, usually when I go into write I dont like to have anything planned because I feel like theres an energy in the room and theres an energy between the people and know sometimes you can capture it in a song and sometimes you dont.

I am so happy with the song that we caught that day. It just kind of floated down which happens when you when you write some songs, you know. I just kind of started playing the guitar part and I sang some melodies, and she [Joy Williams] really dug it and then we started going back and forth on lyrics. We finished a very large portion, I would say 90% of it that day, and did a cool demo, and then really all we did was just like tweak some lyrics afterwards on the bridge but everything else stayed. It was a beautiful writing experience. One of those songs that kind of just falls out of the sky.

Joy Williams: All Is Well almost revealed itself line by line to us instead of us writing it. It was steady and slow, unfolding. Like a gift. And since we both love the magic that happens when you meld two voices together, we naturally sang the song in tandem as we went along writing. We didnt ever discuss it being a duet when we left the studio that day. That came later. When Avi went in the studio with Shooter [Jennings], I got word later that Avi was wondering if Id sing on it with him. It was easy to say yes to my friend like that.

When I have spoken to other artists, they have said I have to come to writing sessions with ideas because I feel like if I don't have ideas then what if we don't have anything to write about, but it sounds like you're saying, you came to it with nothing.

Avi Kaplan: Yeah absolutely. No preconceptions of what I wanted to write about. I honestly feel like that kind of boxes me in. I dont want to be set on something. I want to come in with an open mind and an open heart with the person that Im writing with. Or if its by myself just kind of see what comes out of you. I really believe that songs are given and so I like to come and receive whatever it is given.

Listening back to the song, do either of you now see or hear things in the song that you maybe werent consciously aware of when writing it?

Avi Kaplan: I think that with this one specifically, we did have some things in mind when we were writing in it. Its always important to me to write something thats very personal to me but present it in a way that is open ended and not so specific so that other people can put their own stories to it. So thats what happened with this one.

I feel like we were pretty intentional about the lyrics, but they did they definitely did morph and change overtime. We wrote the initial draft of it and all the melodies and all the chords, really the whole arrangement all stayed but some of the lyrics were tweaked at the end and I feel like it really came together as something that is very personal to me and also, like I said, presented in a way where it is open ended enough to for people to be able to put their own stories to it, which I think is really important. When I listen to music you know sometimes think, Man, this is exactly what I need to hear right now or exactly what Im going through and you know full well that that may not be what the artist meant exactly but thats how the words are getting me at that time, and its a beautiful experience and I want people to have that experience with my music.

I think there is something to be said for a song thats personal and very specific. I think that people love that type of music and I do songs in that way sometimes but with the song like All Is Well where it could essentially be taken as a mantra for someone thats really going through something, I like to really keep it open for those people that are needing that from of a song.

Joy Williams: Avi and I met up to write during the height of the pandemic, and I remember us both talking about creating something that spoke in the tones of overcoming and of hope.

All Is Well feels very similar to a lullaby. Would you agree?

Avi Kaplan: Absolutely. Its like the cross between like a lullaby and a hymn, and songs like that are comforting. Something thats very warm, and thats something that I really wanted to project. Whenever Joy and I write music, we say we want to try to bring that type of energy to the music because its important. Music is very powerful, and it can have a profound effect on people and thats genuinely what I want from my music.

The song has got a simplicity to it, in the music and in the lyrics, but theres also a lot of depth there. Theres a warmth to it that is very comforting and reassuring. I am finding you can often just repeat the lines in your head without necessarily having to listen to the music.

Avi Kaplan: The song just has a feeling to it and thats what I love about music is its like whatever type of song you create, you kind of create a world and an energy that it sits in and whomever listens to it, is automatically transported to that place or even just that feeling to make it a little less esoteric, but you know it just makes you feel a certain thing. That is one of the things I love about music is so powerful and I just makes me really happy that you felt that.

You said the arrangement on the demo track pretty much stayed the same. What did you add to the final recording?

Avi Kaplan: We added a pedal steel, some piano and a little bit of drum. Its a pretty simple track, theres not so much thats in it. Like I said, the arrangement didnt really change. The harmonies that we sang, we sang during the demo recording.

That was one of my favourite moments. I laid down the guitar track and then I sang the solo. Then Joy and I both went into the booth to sing on just one mic to sing the harmonies to my solo. Singing three-part harmony with Joy Williams and just singing harmony next to her in the way she sang everything and the dynamics and just her voice, it was just a really surreal experience for me to be able to sing with her because shes just so amazing at what she does and so sensitive and intentional as to what she does. It just felt immediately there was this energy to what we were doing and how we were singing together and how we were blending so really beautiful experience something Ill definitely never forget.

When I listen to Joys music or watch her on stage with other artists, shes always very collaborative. She seems to always be listening to the other person, watching what they're going to do, and then she adjusts depending on the other person.

Avi Kaplan: Absolutely. Shes an amazing musician. Shes an amazing vocalist but its her musicianship, its her musicality that really sticks out. She obviously has amazingly beautiful voice but having a beautiful voice is one thing and then being able to use that voice in the way that she does, so tastefully and collaboratively, its something that is really special about her.

How do you feel this song fits with the other songs on the album? And did you deliberately write it so it would it fit the overall theme and sound of the album?

Avi Kaplan: No, honestly with the songs on the album, I just chose the ones that I felt were the best songs and I knew that producing it in a certain way would help them all fit together and thats kind of the point of it for me. For me I wasnt necessarily worried about it fitting together with everything else but more, like I was saying before, the challenge of having eclectic songs fit together feels like its the same how do we say it? You know if you have the album, and you think of it as a large house or a castle. Its all in that same castle but each song is a different room, and that room could be decorated differently and there could be many rooms with a whole different vibe but its all a part of that big castle.

The music video that accompanies the song feels very complementary to the story youre telling. It fits so well with the texture of the song and the world you created. Did you come up with the idea for the music video or was it Bree Marie Fish, the videos director?

AK: It was a little bit of both. The person that did the video is someone that Ive worked with a lot. Bree has done all my photoshoots, so she already knows me pretty well. When I spoke to her about this this song, I just told her that I wanted it to be dark but hopeful and thats exactly what it is. It has this energy to it. I have to say when I watch videos that dont really make sense with the song, it doesnt really make sense to me. Obviously, I support whatever the artist wants to do. I know what its like to be an artist, so do whatever you want to do, but for my own art, I always wanted to reflect the energy of the song. I wanted it to be an accentuation of the energy of the song. A good visualisation of it was important to me so Im happy to hear you say that it was a good representation.

Is there a lyric or a line in the song that stands out to you?

Avi Kaplan: Its tough because I really do love the lyrics of this song. I think the first one that came to my mind The darkness in my mind was the path to set my spirit free and I think that is probably my favourite line in the song just because I think that its poignant for people that are going through darkness to really understand what thats about. To understand when youre going through something like that its actually just forcing you to grow and evolve into a better form of yourself and thats kind of the essence of that lyric is that the darkness in my mind was actually the way to set my spirit free, and when I say set my spirit free, it was to basically get away from that darkness, to feel better, to be on the other side of that.

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Interview: Digging Deep with Avi Kaplan & Joy Williams on All Is Well - Atwood Magazine

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