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Two weeks after Prisha* was diagnosed with a chronic health condition, her long-term relationship broke down.

(*Namechanged for privacy.)

"I was crying non-stop for weeks," she says.

"I had thought we would be married one day and envisioned my entire future alongside him."

After grieving the loss of her relationship, Prisha says another feeling began to replace the devastation.

"I became resentful about what had happened."

Stan Steindl, clinical psychologist and adjunct associate professor at the School of Psychology University of Queensland, says resentment is a complex and painful human emotion.

"Itrelates to a bitter disappointment coupled with anger and fear about having been insulted, wronged or treated unfairly by another person," Dr Steindl explains.

Not recognising people have the potential to be reactive during a break-up can leave us open to further hurt.

While resentment can serve a helpful purpose in signalling something we might need to address or correct, it can often become harmful.

Clinical psychologist and CEO of Relationships Australia New South Wales Elisabeth Shawsays it can lead to even more negative behaviours.

"It can be hard to reconcile or come to peace with what has happened, and that can lead to lingering anger, frustration, rumination and a need to keep discussing it with others," she says.

Dr Steindl adds that "human resentment can often turn into vengeance motivations, and a desire to 'teach them a lesson' or get some sort of 'payback'".

While Prisha says she never felt the need to seek vengeance, her resentment did begin to dominate her life.

"I would talk to my friends and family non-stop. I thought about it when I wasn't talking about it."

While resentment is a commonly experienced emotion, it can negatively impact our mental health, relationships with others and self-esteem.

"Chronic resentment can be a precursor to anxiety and depressive disorders, relationship distress and dysfunction, withdrawal and isolation and sometimes aggression and violence," says Dr Steindl.

For Prisha, constantly feeling resentful left her emotionally exhausted and began to impact her mental health.

"This is when I knew I needed some assistance," she says.

Seeking professional support can help you work through resentment and any related issues.

This was the best option for Prisha.

"I've been working with a psychologistand it has helped me deal with what happened in a more positive way," she says.

"I still have a way to go but I'm confident eventually I will fully let go of the resentment that was holding me back."

Resentment arises from your threat system (an emotional system of the brain, often known as the fight/flight/freeze/appease response designed to help us with threat protection), and specifically some aspect of social threat.

Identifying the threat and feeling of resentment is the first step in addressing it, says Dr Steindl.

Resentment is related to sympathetic nervous system activation, so we want to try to slow down the body and the mind by activating the parasympathetic nervous system.Activities like meditation, massageand deep breathing can help do this.

One exercise Dr Steindl recommends that can help ease body tension and calm the mind: Sit in an upright but relaxed position, relax your face,soften your self-talk so you'reusing supportive inner voice tones, and slow down your breath, breathing in for four and out for four.

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To practise forgiveness and move towards a feeling of ease and peace of mind, Dr Steindl suggests the following exercise:

From this place of calm, Dr Steindl says you can start to consider: What would be most helpful in this situation? What could I do that would help to bring balance back to the needs of both parties? What is it that I really need right now from this relationship?

Resentment can cause us to be "narrowly focused", says Dr Steindl, so to help expand your attentiondo meaningful activities you enjoy with friends and family who make you feel good.

This is general information only. For detailed personal advice, you should see a qualified medical practitioner who knows your medical history.

Shona Hendley is a freelance writer and ex-secondary school teacher from Ballarat, Victoria. She lives with her four fish, three goats, two cats, one chicken, as well as her two human children and husband. Find her@shonamarion.

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Excerpt from:
Ways to help let go of resentment - ABC Life